I Broke Something Today

I broke something today.

My rage and grief and sadness started filling me up inside

until I felt like I was gonna start screaming.

So I went outside and I thought well,

I'll get some fresh air and do some yardwork.

After I was done blowing all the leaves away

(did I mention it was late in the Fall?)

I saw the pop up canopy that had been used all summer to cover the picnic table.

In case anyone wanted to have a backyard picnic

or hang out to escape the summer heat of the house.

I thought to myself, I should put that away so we can use it next year.

Then my anger cam boiling back because not once

this entire summer did anyone sit under the canopy

at the picnic table and talk and laugh and create summer memories.

It made my heart really sad.

So I started taking down the canopy

putting away my dreams of things that never happened

I found out really fast

It's easier to take down a pop up canopy with two people.

Kind of sucks when you are only one person

trying to do it all by yourself.

The first thing I did was take off the canvas top of the canopy

I loosened the straps and in doing so,

I caused a tear in the top.

It ripped right in the middle.

I should've known it was gonna be all downhill from there.

But- undeterred as always,

I went back to my task at hand.

I couldn't get the corner poles to loosen up,

and trying to force them to come together,

I bent one of the poles so much that

it stopped working all together

Then I saw that I forgot to push in the little

metal thingy that keeps everything up.

my fault...

It wasn't at that point that I decided to

demolish the whole damn thing.

No. I had to keep trying-

Frustrating myself with my sad inability

to put away a fucking pop up canopy.

Something inside of me just broke.

I went to the shed and seeing a sledgehammer,

I thought yep...

that's exactly what I need to finish this job.

My mind immediately thought of that one commercial from a few years back.

You remember the one?

The one with the mom and a little girl with terminal cancer?

The mom is bringing the little girl some soup

and the little girl is really sick and smiles weakly.

The mom kisses her forehead and then goes outside to chop some firewood.

because, you know, doing it all by yourself.

And that's where the tears, and rage and anger fall

as she's chopping the wood..

I had my own little cancer moment

In the backyard with a sledgehammer and a pop up canopy.

That damn thing didn't stand a chance.

It is not useful to anyone ever again.

Kind of like me.

I am no use to anyone anymore.

I cant reach out to anyone

because I cant stand the thought of being a burden.

.

After I was done taking my anger out on the poor pop up canopy,

I sat down on the cold concrete steps

watching the summer flowers die in the cold fall air

Anger spent... while sadness remains

I sit there staring off into space

wondering what my life is gonna look like in five years.

Someone once told me that I was really good at rebuilding a new life.

That's not a skill to be proud of

I don't want to rebuild a new life

But, I don't want the life I am living either.

I broke something today...

-JFWoodward